I felt very vulnerable about everyone seeing what I write. Writing is my therapy and I almost felt like I was inviting someone in for my therapy session. Then I began letting the negative thoughts creep in. "I am not good enough"; "No one will want to read it"; etc. I even thought, "what if they know my sins?!" I find myself here again. I am reminded again, thankfully, that God forgives and He uses sinners! Vulnerability has a negative connotation but God wants us to be real - including the good, bad and ugly. He made us to relate to each other which means sharing our stories to bring glory to God. God has been so good to me how can I not be obedient? And I know He will continue pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I love how God works. When I begin to doubt myself or feel like my writing makes no difference, I will get a call, an email, a letter, a card, a text, etc telling me how that particular blog spoke to them. And most of the time it is a blog that I write but don't really want to send but keep feeling God nudging me to send. I felt silly writing about being alone in a hotel room when Mike was having his knee surgery. I wrote it because it was what I needed to work through. I felt God telling me to send it and I was wrestling. The next day I got this, "I spent weeks alone in a hotel when my husband was sick. I wish I had the words in your blog tonight. It would have helped me as I was so anxious and afraid. Yes, I knew it was all in God's hands, but I did not understand as well as I do now. Thank you for sharing. God has given you a true gift which you are sharing freely with all of us." As I always say, it comes back to trust! I have to trust God with His ministry!
Another time I got a Facebook friend request from someone I knew in college. My first thought was, "oh no, they knew me when..." Then the doubts poured in about them seeing my blogs. The devil played scenarios about what would be said when they saw a blog that I wrote. But then God reminded me that I am His and I am a new creation. I am not that person and I have been forgiven! God is not looking for perfect people because there are not any!
God reminded me that I have been anointed. This anointing is God’s power over my flesh to do what only God can do. If you have been born again, then Christ lives inside of you. I had always thought that Mother Teresa and Billy Graham were anointed by the Lord and they were righteous but not Jill! You may have felt or feel the same but as children of God, we are anointed! Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, you and me! Thanks be to God!
I accepted that friend request and began getting some likes on my blog. The fact that this person was reading them was as amazing as me writing them. I sent a message thanking them, saying I know God was happy how we had turned out! Thank You, God, for letting us be works in progress!