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  • Jill Jarrell Newsome

I'm Not Who I Need To Be

I was told on August 30, 2012 that I had stage 3 breast cancer and we wouid know in the next 2 weeks if it was in my bone and brain. I had probably only had this for six to eight weeks so I knew how aggressive it was. That night, knowing that I may only have a month left, I had lots of thoughts. But, to my surprise, other than my family losing me, I thought about how I had not done enough for God. I knew I had so much more to do. I was not who I needed to be. My doctor told me this would be the hardest year of my life and he was right. But He constantly gave me opportunities to share my faith.

As I have been thinking about this date I realize that while it was the hardest year of my life, in hindsight, it was one of the best years. I say that because of all of the blessings God brought from this tough time. Prior to being diagnosed I had read about a woman who said she was not going to waste her cancer! I have never forgotten that. Thanking God for the hard times has become a regular thing for me during 2020. While, it is hard, I KNOW I am growing in Him and I will be better because of these tough times. While I am ready for 2020 to be over, I do not want to waste it!

None of us have been promised tomorrow. James 4: 13-14, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." Don't put off until tomorrow for tomorrow may not come.

Are you still trying to figure your life out? What are you supposed to be doing? Living this way can be exhausting. There is a much easier way to do this - not that I did it that way! It took me years to say, "God, I know you have a plan for me so I am not going to put you in a box. Just show off!" And He did. And He used me and the gifts He had given me. It did not happen over night but I see where He was always preparing me for this very hour! And He is not finished with me yet. As my pastor says, "if you ain't dead, you ain't done." I trust He has a better plan than anything I can imagine. Jeremiah 29: 11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Are you being the person God made you to be? I do not ever remember this verse in Job.

Job 37: 5-6, "God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, ‘Fall on the earth,’ and to the rain shower, ‘Be a mighty downpour.’" This verse tells me that God created me to be me! Nothing else. Just Jill. He is not asking me to be something that He has not prepared me for. It s really very simple. Don't say you are nothing special because we are very special. We were created by the Maker of the Universe, the King of Kings, the Great Creator! And He says we are fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139: 14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

God has put a collection of passions in our heart since we were young. As adults I think it takes years to peel back the layers of life to find those hidden passions. The only way we can know who we are supposed to be is through Jesus. Go to God and ask Him to reveal to you what you need to walk away from and which direction you need to go to find your true self. We are constantly changing. What we go through today makes us who we are tomorrow. We may not be exactly where we are supposed to be today, but we just have to be a step closer tomorrow than we are today.


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