I Can't, He Can
In 1996 I was asked to give a talk at a spiritual retreat weekend for ladies. I kindly told the lady I would not be able to and thanked her for calling. Then her next words haunted me - "you don't have to give me an answer now, I want you to pray about it. I'll call you next week." Pure panic struck me. Well, just like I had done since eighth grade, I did not need to worry about it because I was not going to do it! And that is how I handled middle school, high school and college! With my fear of public speaking I knew I would never do it so there was no need to be nervous!
All week I heard over and over, ""you don't have to give me an answer now, I want you to pray about it. I'll call you next week." And it continued hourly for the next week! And I cried over it. What was wrong? I had never cried over this stuff because I knew I was not going to do it. I remember my Dad telling me, "Jill, you are fighting God and when you quit fighting and commit I believe the tears will stop." You see, I had given my life to Christ - for the most part. Pretty much everything except public speaking. And this lady knew I had just given my life to Christ 100%! That meant all of me! I know it was no mistake that that lady called me. He absolutely laid my name on her heart and gave her the words to say to me.
But now I know I was lukewarm because I had one foot in the life of faith and one foot still in the world. Revelation 3: 15-16, "I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth." Obviously, God did not want me lukewarm!
I could not do this. It took me a while to realize that I was right - I could not do it myself. But God could! I am telling you there was not a drink or a drug that could have made me get up and speak in front of those 50 women. And then the devil worked on me for the next six months that I was not good enough. That talk consumed me for six months! The dread! He reminded me how dumb it would be. What could I talk about that would interest others? John 8: 44, "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." I wallowed in his words. He stole my joy. John 10: 10, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
At my wits end one day I hit my knees and cried out to God that if I was going to do this I needed Him to help me now. Psalm 77: 1, "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me." I know He gives you what you need when you need it but I needed something now! 2 Thessalonians 1: 2, "Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you're to be." And that is when I started learning about trust. That was 23 years ago and I am still learning about trust!
God showed me that I am anointed. the anointing is God’s power over my flesh to do what only God can do. If you have been born again, then Christ (the Anointed One and His anointing) lives inside of you. All you have to do is believe the anointing is in you. I had always thought that Mother Teresa and Billy Graham were anointed by the Lord and righteous but not Jill! You may have felt the same but as children of God, we are anointed! Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, You and me! Peter and John were just fishermen and look how God used them. 1 John 2: 27, "But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you will abide in Him."
God gave me a task that was bigger than what I could do in my natural power. He also gave me knowledge and wisdom that was not limited to the world. The Holy Spirit guided me. I realized I was anointed for Christian ministry while I live in this world. I have been enabled, entrusted and empowered to accomplish God's will. That is what finally happened - God's will was done and proved Himself faithful beyond belief. Oh, it was hard - one of the hardest things I had ever done but I never regretted it. I learned that I loved to write the talks. I found writing to be very therapeutic! So God blessed me in other ways by me being obedient. I still do not like being in front of people but when I feel led (and only by God!) I will do it.
The Bible tells us that this anointing is given to us by God and remains in us. We can take comfort in this truth! God does not lie. You have an anointing from the Holy One, and you know the truth!