I knew something was not right about eight weeks after my surgery in October but if I didn't think about it, it would go away. I knew I should call my doctor but I couldn't because I did not want to face surgery again. While not life threatening, I thought I was finished with surgeries! I called my doctor and told the nurse that I was not ready to come in. A month later I went and was told I would have to have surgery.
I was mad! I was mad that I had to go through it again when it was not my fault in the first place that the implants had to be recalled for causing cancer. I was mad that during my last surgery we realized one had busted, which was another issue, apparently, with this particular brand. I was mad that I would have to pay at least another $3000 because this is another year for insurance! I was mad that some of this was not taken care of earlier - I realize that when I had my double mastectomy that the priority was keeping me alive but what about my last surgery? I was mad (and still a little bit mad) that for eight weeks I have to sleep sitting propped up on five pillows! I was mad that Mike has to add this to his plate. I was mad that Mom had to worry about me again. I was mad my girls have to go through this again. I was embarrassed - maybe because it is about boobs or maybe I feel needy! I was beyond MAD, I was TICKED! (That may be a southern term when you are beyond mad.) I cried the day after my appointment out of sheer frustration! I had a major pity party!
I knew I had to leave the pity party and the only way to do that was to look up, focus on God and count my blessings! I am thankful I just celebrated another birthday which my doctors never thought I would see. I am a miracle! The busted implant did not cause cancer, hallelujah! We can pay the $3000 even though I would rather take a vacation! To be honest I am still trying to think of the good from having to sleep propped up for eight weeks. Mike is a wonderful caregiver and he just wants me to be healthy. Mom just wants to help and she can do that by coming and sitting with me which is a help to Mike. I have wonderful daughters who are so good to me. I am needy - we all are, whether we admit it or not.
I told God I am sorry I made it all about me when it should be all about Him! It was time to look up! Didn't God say to hand our burdens over to Him? Psalm 55: 22, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." I was never meant to carry all of this. 1 Peter 5: 7, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." God will give me everything I need! Philippians 4: 19, "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." God is the Ultimate Caregiver! Psalm 54: 4, "Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." God will not waste this time, I will be better for it and stronger in Him. Thank You, God, for the hard times when we grow!
So Friday morning I go for my surgery, in perfect peace, that only my Father can give. Philippians 4: 7, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Thanks be to God!
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