Fear To Faith
I have written about a friend whose faith has grown during her cancer journey. Today was her last treatment, of everything, and when we talked she was weepy. While I prayed, very specifically, for her last treatment I also prayed for this upcoming time of reflection. She was thankful and scared that this was the last thing! I, too, waited all year to be finished and when that day came, I was petrified. Psalm 143: 4, "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear." I had at least three doctors a week looking at me and now I was being let go! All I kept hearing was if my back hurt, let them know. One of my medical team had gone through cancer and she told me that I had been on such a fast track that now I had time to sit and realize what had happened. She mentioned getting depressed.
The thought of cancer coming back came with a paralyzing fear. I had already been told I have had the maximum amount of chemo for my lifetime. And the maximum about of radiation. My social life was appointments! Every five minutes I thought about cancer. I was in my 40's and I was going to have aches and pains and now I was waiting for it. It was consuming me and this was no way to live. Isaiah 43:1b-2, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." I got on my knees and told God I could not handle it so help me with my unbelief, take the negative thoughts. Every time a negative thought crept in, literally every 15 minutes, I would say, "I trust You, God and thank You for healing me. Philippians 4: 13, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
It took a while but the time span between those thoughts became further and further apart! I remember being so excited when I only thought about cancer about four times a day! After a year I did not think about cancer unless I went to the doctor or something came up. Now, not only do I not think about it but when I do I usually shed grateful tears. I am so grateful for the hard time that brought me so much closer to God, helped me prioritize my life all while God was refining me. Now He is able to use my journey to bring glory to Him!